Bleeeuurgh!

What is it about sick leave? That weird blend of elation and deep, deep guilt? Bloody hell, it is not my fault when I get ill, is it? It is not as if, given a choice, I'd want to be shitting through the eye of a needle, or counting pieces of corn inthe toilet bowl. I don't even like clear runny liquid dribbling out of my nose and shaking like a leaf.

So, why is it that when I had other jobs, when I got ill, I'd just ring up and say "Gfffmmbkllkhubble", go back to bed and get better, but now that I am a teacher I have to spend a good 30 minutes psyching myself up to ring that bastard at the other end of the phone? And then, he just says "okay!" anyway!! As if I needed to worry... Maybe it is because I work at a Catholic School (Yes, that old chestnut again. I'll keep bringing it up too, because I think it is important to mock religion. Jesus was humble, and they bloody well should be too. If some of them decide to be pompous pricks, it is up to the rest of us to bring them back down to Earth with a raspberry.)

Where was I? Cover work. Yes, also a bloody nuisance. What other job do you have to spend time doing work in order to prepare to ring up and say "Bleeeurgh... sick... not coming...." And then of course, knowing that for the next week after you get back, there'll be some arse-wipe in the corner who mutters every time you come near about how much cover they have had this week. And you can bet you house on someone saying "Well, I've not had a day off in over 30 years!". And they'll have the nerve to say it like they are the unlucky ones! Well I say this - I say you lucky lucky lucky lucky bastards. I wish to Christ I never got ill. Don't bloody complain about being healthy, you miserable old sods!!

Mind you, there is a pay-off to all the bitching you have to suffer when you get back. You can never say it to their face, but while they rant at you for being less healthy than them (as if you made a choice to spend your re-incarnation points on rich parents instead of good health the last time you came back, or just prefer being sickly) you can be thinking to yourself "Ah yes, you may have the moral highground now, you prick, but you weren't laughing yesterday while I was watching "Location, Location Location!!" and..." er... er... any other shit TV program on weekday mornings. They all blend into one, and I can't remember any names, sorry...

Anyway, back to my point (as if I had one). There is a guilt-bump to get over, where you have to make that call to announce your impending demise and resultant need to take a sick day to stave of the cold icy fingers of death, but once you get over it, the guilt tends to fade a bit, and you get to enjoy your day in front of the telly-box. (Why do E4 call it that? I ought to think it sounds crap, but actually, I think it sounds pretty cool. Telly box. Telly box. Sounds like a kids cartoon character.) Personally, I recommend Channel 4 for naff sit-comes early morning, a blend of BBC and ITV for the home improvement shows mid morning, a nap while those shite antique shows are on (I just remembered the name of one - Cash in the Attic. For starters, the name is shit, and second, it isn't even fucking right! I've watched that show more than once, and they never go anywhere near the pigging attic. They go everywhere else in the house, but never the attic). If you like to see gossiping tarts, Loose Women is a surprisingly honest title, and frankly, those brazen hussies ought not to be on the TellyBox any time before 11pm, and even then, confined to channel 4.

I feel myself stuttering to a close...